Would this freak you out?

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,23893644-13762,00.html

Odd's Prayer

Oh Lord,

For the rest of the year
Give me strength
To be less accepting
And more demanding

Why?

I'm obsessed with why, so much that my cousins still tease me about them calling me Mr. Why when I was little. I asked why at every possible statement or command that was thrown at me, and it soon became a habit that annoyed the hell out of everyone around me. But why is what made me who I am today, and why is why I am where I am today.

But because we're all a bit older, we can't use a small word such as why and expect to get away with it. We all have to sound much smarter than we actually are. So instead of using why, some of us use evaluate. Don't get me wrong. I don't think the two are the same, but they are quite similar. For example, would you think that the two statements below are the same?

Evaluate and explain your current situation.

Why are you who you are today?

To respond to either of the above would require a psychological stroll in very similar parks in the mind. So for me, why means evaluate and explain, sort of.

Anyway, as I was cleaning my room today, it occured to me that I had never justified my actions to anyone, especially myself. Obviously, I believe all decisions that I made are justifiable, and at the time of making those decisions, I am sure I went through a comprehensive evaluation process. But that process was never documented, and I think given my situation, it is extremely important for me to justify my behaviour and my actions to myself.

So what I am going to do over the next few posts, is justify all aspects of my life. Why do I live where I live? Why do I work where I work? Why do I invest where I invest? Why do I date who I date? Why did I break up with whoever I broke up with? Why did I buy whatever I bought? Why did I cook whatever I cooked?

Like most people, I believe I am always right, and that the decisions I make are always the right thing to do at the time. Do I have regrets? Maybe one or two. But I've never lost sleep over them.

Unlike most people, I really question the above paragraph because I know that I can't always be right, and maybe if I go through all of this justification process publicly (i.e. think out loud), then I may be able to identify gaps in my logic, learn from them, and give myself some assurance that I won't repeat those 'mistakes' again. This should be interesting and may finally give me the incentive to be more dedicated to this blog.

Let's see how I go.

What next?

Do you ever question whether you're doing the right thing at the moment? Are you being fair to yourself? Is your occupation something you are proud of?

I find it hard to accept that I was born and raised to sit in front of a computer for most of my adult life. For this to be the defining characterstic of my youth is unacceptable, and quite repulsive. Do you think that in many years to come, I'd want to tell my children that I was someone who worked for an accounting firm for most of his life, and share office jokes with them as if they were heroic acts I witnessed when I was younger? It doesn't sound so appealing. Does it?

I confess that the reason for the majority of my decisions (up until now) were money and survival. I couldn't afford being a slob at school because I needed a scholarship. I couldn't afford not doing well at university because I needed a job. I couldn't afford not having a well-paying job because I needed the money. I couldn't not afford not working hard because I needed to keep my job and to save up.

But now things are different. I no longer need to do things to survive. If I work part-time and play video games for the rest of the time, I'll be fine. If I get fired tomorrow, I'll be able to get a new job by the end of the week. The only things I need to do to survive involve things like looking after my health by eating well and exercising. Everything else is optional.

Which brings me to where I am in my mind at the moment. I believe it is time for me to start doing things that I enjoy and live the last 5-6 years of my 20s doing things that will be memorable, and unique. As an example, I always loved cooking. Everything about it fascinated me since I was very young. I would spend hours and hours watching mum cook all my favorite dishes. I always asked about the interaction of spices with each other. How much turmeric did she add in comparison to cumin? Why did she always sprinkle a tiny bit of cinnamon on anything she cooked? and how much water did she sprinkle on the onions to caramalise them properly?

So for the last couple of days, I've been searching for culinary schools around the world. I want to take a break from all this accounting stuff for a bit, and take up a completely different profession. I believe that I will do this by the end of this year. If I don't, then there is always next year. But it has to happen before I throw the towel in and head back home.

Bye bye, Odd the Chartered Accountant. Welcome, Chef Odd.

Awkwardness (2)

Let me tell you a story.

You're a young lady going through university. A young man in your class starts to show interest in you, and before you know it, you're madly in love with him. You get married, and you start feeling secure about yourself. You graduate, get a job. He graduates, decides he doesn't need a full time job like everyone else. He thinks that working as a kitchen-hand, despite having two degrees, will make him better off.

You're crushed. How could the man of your dreams be so irresponsible? How could he go through uni only to end up washing dishes? And where did all those sweet words and gifts go?

You find out that he too was insecure back then. But once he locked you in, he realised he doesn't need to work as hard anymore. After all, he had achieved his life's objective by getting married. You on the other hand, you're working long hours to keep the family floating.

Out of nowhere, a boy appears that reminds you of him when he was younger and ambitious. This boy appears to be nice. He laughs with you, goes to have coffee with you, and the conversations with him over lunch are refreshing. Before you know it, you're being a tad too friendly to this boy.

This boy, having sensed your insecurity, decides to completely disregard your existence. He despises you because now that he knows that people of your like exist, he is worried that he might end up with someone like you.

Awkwardness

For the past couple of months, I have been working on a desk next to her. She is married to a guy from a different background to hers, and sometimes that is the topic of our conversations. She also knows I am with someone. Well, that's what she knows. What I know is a totally different story. I know that I may be, technically, possibly, if you think about it this way, then yes I am with someone, but anyway.

We go for coffee during breaks, and sometimes catch up for lunch like workmates do. She talks about her husband, and I talk about my definitely maybe. Yesterday, on our way to lunch, we started talking about all the restaurants we've gone to with our partners.

"My husband and I like to go to Tino's. It's really good."
"Oh cool. Definitely maybe and I go to Chino's. We think it's good too."
"Oh oh, have you been to Pino's?"
"No, but we'll try it sometime." or maybe I said, "we should try it sometime."

Whatever my reponse to her question was, it was obvious that the 'we' was me and my definitely maybe. But I guess I was wrong.

The next day, she asked if I was free for coffee, as workmates do. I said sure. On our way to the coffee shop, we had a rather strange conversation.

"Hey... ummm..this might be a bit awkward but you know when I talked about Pino's yesterday, you said that 'we' should try it out sometime. What did you exactly mean?"
"I meant me and my definitely maybe."
"Oh, ok. This is awkward then. Because I thought you meant you and I."
"Umm.. no. Definitely not. I definitely meant me and definitely maybe."
"Oh. Jeez. This is awkward then. You're not gonna be too awkward about this are you?"
"No. Not really. I'm really good with awkward."

I made up some sort of an excuse, and ran back to the office. Three words have been on repeat in my mind since then.

What the fuck?

Today

"Odd, do you wanna catch up to discuss your report?"

NO! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! MY RESULTS ARE COMING OUT IN 10 MINUTES. NO!

"Sure, now?"

"Yep. Come over"

Dammit!

"Okay"

"Alright, this is pretty good. The introduction is straight to the point, which is what we needed. You may need to do a bit more work on the scope because ..." la de da de da de da ....

"Ah good good. Yes, yes. I agree. Umm...I'll be back in a few seconds..."

So I step out of the boss' cubicle feeling all dizzy with more than a couple of butterflies in my stomach. Can't these people tell how freaked out I am? What if I fail? I'll be devastated. If I find out that I failed, will I come back to discuss the rest of the report? No way. Oh, and what if there are other people around the computer downstairs, it will be a bit embarrassing to be the only one who failed. Fuckers. That's six months of my life down the drain...

And if I pass? Ah! WELL NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I mean, that was my last 'post-grad' exam ever. The last unit is just a big assignment. I mean, jeez. The strippers will be rich tonight if I pass... But oh... I did, at one stupid occasion, let out this horrendous promise.

"Oh God, if I pass this exam, I will stay away from girls for two weeks"

TWO WEEKS? What was I thinking? Maybe failing is not all that bad... well, no ... it is...

Fuck this. I don't care. I've been having nightmares about this for the past month and this is it. I'll walk to that machine without saying a word to anyone, stick in my candidate id and password, and be prepared for this moment of....truth.

The website is currently under a high amount of traffic. Please be patient while we restore operations.

FUCK YOU ASSHOLES. FUCK YOU TWENTY FUCKIN' TIMES. MAY THE SHORTEST, HAIRIEST DWARF WITH THE BIGGEST ...

Shit, I just clicked reload and it logged me in...shit shit shit shit shit... what is it with me and dwarves?

Module Results....click.

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"Hey man. Give us the good news..."
"Yea man, Steve and I passed, how did you go?"
"Uh.. it looks like I'll have to stay away from girls for two weeks."